I read a post the other day by Erin over at Living in Yellow that really hit home.
It made me finally decide to open up and share about a topic that's taken over my life these past 2 months.
Anxiety and Panic Disorder.
Let me start by saying that I have always been so laid back and had a "whatever, I dont care, it could be worse" attitude. I blow everything off and very rarely get upset/freak out over things.
My husband has had a night shift for the past 90 days that I have absolutely loathed,
every minute of everyday.
He leaves at 4 pm and doesn't get home until 7 am.
Then he sleeps until about 2:30 pm and wakes up and does it all over again.
Not only does that leave less than 2 hours a day to spend time together but I'm alone a lot.
I also can't contact him because once he gets to work they have to turn their phones in for security reasons.
AND he works over an hour away.
Well.
One night I was laying on the couch watching The Office when all of a sudden I had a burning in my head, pounding heart, horrible neck and chest pain, and numb arms.
I literally thought I was going to die.
I had no idea what was going on with me and it scared the crap out of me that my husband wasn't there and he couldn't take me to the ER. He was over an hour away and being in another country makes you feel crazy alone at times.
I had to call one of his friends who took me to the ER at the German hospital.
They really couldn't understand my english and insisted nothing was wrong with me.
The doctor kept saying it made no sense and gave me muscle relaxers and sent me home.
I flipped out.
How could they just send you home when you feel like you are literally dying.
I took the muscle relaxers when I got home and they knocked me out.
The next day I did some research and found out it was a panic attack,
my first one ever.
I became so obsessed with the thought I would have another one that 2 nights later,
it happened again.
For about 3 weeks all I could think about was having a panic attack
and I had constant chest and neck pain. I couldn't sleep because I was alone every night so I just stayed up trying to calm my nerves until my husband got home and I could feel okay again.
I always had a lump in my throat and was pretty much scared to leave the house in case another one happened.
Enough was enough.
Enough was enough.
So I went to the doctor, was told I had Anxiety/Panic disorder, and got put on anti-anxiety meds.
Laid back, doesnt care about anything, happy old me...on Anxiety meds?!
Besides crazy headaches and blurry vision, guess what else comes with these meds.
NO CAFFEINE OR ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION.
Cool.
I live in Germany and can't drink.
Or have coffee.
For the next 6 months.
Besides crazy headaches and blurry vision, guess what else comes with these meds.
NO CAFFEINE OR ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION.
Cool.
I live in Germany and can't drink.
Or have coffee.
For the next 6 months.
It took a little over 4 weeks for them to start working but I'm finally starting to feel "normal" again.
I've always been against taking any pills of any kind.
I dont even take advil or tylenol unless I REALLY need to take it, which is hardly ever.
But I tried to get over anxiety without them and nothing I had tried was working.
Its such a crazy feeling. You literally feel like a crazy person.
and if you have never had anxiety or panic attacks, you won't understand the feeling.
I have tried explaining what it's like over and over to my husband but he thinks its all in my head and doesn't understand why I just cant stop.
I had the same mentality towards it, before it happened to me but it is so hard to talk yourself out of feeling this way. 9 times out of 10 once you start feeling anxious you sit and think about it and it gets worse and worse.
Before you know it you are having a panic attack. Apparently Germans don't get those because their doctors don't understand what one sounds like.
Thanks to bloggers like Erin I can finally start feeling normal again and that I'm not the only crazy person on the planet.
Hopefully my story can help/comfort one of you and know that you are not alone!
Its actually extremely common to have anxiety/panic disorder.
Just hang in there, it will get better!
Hello my fellow anxiety/panic attack friend. I've battled with anxiety for almost 4 years now. Let's hug. ;)
ReplyDeleteHad my first panic attack in 2009 right when we moved to Virginia (and just after graduating college, getting married...the whole shebang). They started out little and kept getting bigger and happening more frequently. I had the tightness in the chest, dizziness, the inability to calm down or sleep thing, too. I seriously thought something was wrong with my heart. I became agoraphobic and refused to leave the house for fear that I would have a panic attack out in public or that I would pass out (while driving, mostly). I ended up having the panic attack of all panic attacks a few weeks later that kept me awake for 3 days straight and I ate nothing. Completely lost my marbles. Ended up in the ER with EKG's and Echochardiogram machines hooked up to me because my blood pressure was 165/98. I just couldn't calm down. No one understood and at one point, I totally understood how someone with anxiety or depression could end up killing themselves (I didn't want to kill myself, I just simply understood where a thought like that would come from). That's what scared me into going to the ER and getting help. They checked me out...told me I was fit as a fiddle...prescribed me 25 pills of 25mg Xanax and wheeled me out the door (because I couldn't walk after no sleep or food for 3 days). As soon as we left that ER, It was like the clouds had parted and the sun was finally shining again. I just needed to someone to tell me that I wasn't dying and my heart was fine. Insane how your body and mind can completely turn against you at a moments notice and totally make you feel like you're crazy.
I ended up only taking 11 out of the 25 pills they gave me...and only took them when I felt the chest tightening coming on. Since the summer of 2009, I haven't had another panic attack (made it though a deployment and move to Germany without one too! PRAISE THE LORD!). But, I'm forever changed. I can't listen to loud music or be in crowds for too long without getting nervous. Certain smells and sounds bring up the panicky feelings and memories and I have to remove myself from that situation and calm myself down. So, I still battle with it...on a much smaller scale, though. I like to call it my "sensory overload" problem. Too much going on at one time and I'm a basket case. I've learned to control it over time, but I'm probably never going to be 100% the old Casey I used to be. SO, if you ever need to talk, I'm here (literally, down the street, too!) I know exactly...EXACTLY...what you're going through. You're not alone, sweet friend! I'm emailing you my phone number as we speak. No more calling random hubby's friends for help...you call me!!! ;) Hugs!
That's awful that the ED doctors sent you home without any kind of care plan. A language barrier shouldn't stop good patient care. I'm glad you were able to get appropriate care from your physician. I've never had a panic attack, but I'm afraid that I'll start getting them just because of the whole military spouse thing. A lot of non-military wives, and even the guys themselves, don't get how stressful it can be for us. I'm rooting for you and I hope everything works out.
ReplyDeleteKristen-
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing your story. I can't tell you how many times I have been told to 'just relax' or 'calm down', 'just don't think about it'. Oh if only it were that easy. I ended up in the ER myself not so long ago. And it was no worse being in an American hospital down the street from my home. I thought I was having a heart attack. All the while trying to calm my six year old who asked me 'mommy are you dying?'
Its a real legit issue a lot of people suffer from. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this and I hope you are feeling better soon. Anxiety and Panic disorders and really any mental health issue are so difficult because no one can SEE whats wrong with you. Sending you my thoughts and prayers dear.
Thank you for sharing your very personal story. I think most spouses have some level of anxiety with so many unknowns in living the military life. What has helped me is finding some sort of outlet that gets me out of the house and helping others, it helps me turn off that inner dialogue that plays in my head and makes me concentrate on others instead. Best of luck, will be thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if anxiety/panic disorders are common for milspouses? I remember the very first attack I ever had was shortly after my husband and I PCS'ed together for the first time. From FL to OK. I think mine are directly related to my need to feel like I have to please everyone and be perfect. My chest gets tight, I get dizzy, heat floods over me, and worst...I get the ugliest rash on my chest and neck. (I wrote a post about it back in Feb...http://www.anchorsaweighblog.com/2012/02/lets-get-physical.html)
ReplyDeleteI went to my PCP on base in OK and he gave me some pill that made me feel cookoo. I was only supposed to take it if I felt an attack come on. Which is weird, because I don't think the pill is "instant" - so how would it help? Anyhow, I've gone about 2 years now thinking I can control it by myself..no success. I'll probably go to civilian doctor again soon. It totally sucks. But I can relate!! :)
hey Kristen!!
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing, its tough to put something like that out there. I hope it will help others know they're not alone!! :)
i have anxiety also, i've had it since i was in middle school-ish.
for me it comes when things are in disarray or when theres a lot of clutter or when i think of all the things i need to do...in one sitting.
i start panicking and feel like i can't breathe i get crazy tension in my neck and back. it's weird.
for so long i felt like i was the only one and that i was crazy
but i was seeing a therapist a while back, and what she told me helped me a lot.
she said to know it's there, bring it out, and take control. let my husband know and make light of it (before it gets worse)
for example, when i'm feeling like that, i yell out "hello anxiety!!!!" and laugh at myself (even when i'm alone). it sounds weird but it helps.
because for me its something that will always be there so i have to learn to live with it.
I hope everything works out and you can be your normal self again!! :):)
X's and O's-amanda krystal
You go girl. It takes a super strong woman and individual to put yourself out there like this not knowing how people are going to react. I wish I lived in Germany because I'd keep you company and we would find fun sober non-caffeieny activities..like SHOPPING!
ReplyDeleteKeep your head up beautiful.
XO
Kait
I struggle with anxiety issues, but not anxiety or panic attacks. I would just become hysterical and cry for hours and hours and hours over the smallest things. Now, I'm on anti-anxiety medication and it helps me feel normal again. I think the worst part for me is that my husband doesn't understand and can't wrap his brain around the fact that I can't help it. And I hate that it's something your husband can't understand, either. It's so frustrating when the one person you need to understand it the most just CAN'T - but it'll get better and I'm glad you have gotten help. We're all here for you! Crazy chicks unite! ;)
ReplyDeleteI am sorry. :( I have struggled with anxiety off and on for years and had a few panic attacks .....there is nothing like them and unless you have experienced them you just don't know. I am glad you are getting help and starting to feel better.
ReplyDelete"I have tried explaining what it's like over and over to my husband but he thinks its all in my head and doesn't understand why I just cant stop"
ReplyDeleteSounds exactly like my husband.
My anxiety likes to show it's ugly face whenever my husband's gone for a long period of time. (weeks at a time)
If I see him everyday then I don't have any. I hate it!
I literally know exactly how you feel. I started having high anxiety and panic attacks in 2007. The first one came out of no where and I also felt like I was going to die. I didn't really know what was wrong with me so I didn't tell anyone at first but then I kept having them and finally let my husband (boyfriend back then) know. One day we were driving home and I had one while behind the wheel. I was so thankful he was there to talk me through it and carefully get me to the side of the road. I remember just busting into tears once I stopped the car. After that I got serious about getting help. I worked as an assistant to a mental health counselor so I was lucky enough to have access to a lot of useful information. I started finding out what triggers my anxiety and I learned a lot of different breathing and calming exercises to help me when I do have to deal with those triggers. Since 2009 and I have only had one panic attack. When things start to get really stressful in my life and it feels out of my control, I make sure to meditate every day. I only do a 10 minute guided meditation but it does wonders!
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that you faced this challenge head on and did something about it. It is really brave of you. A lot of people who face challenges like this ignore them until they become worse. You definitely did the right thing. Just remember that you are not alone in this.
I am so sorry :( I know what that feels like. I haven't had one that extreme but with being pregnant and my husband away at basic training I have to constantly tell my self to calm down but that burning starts to build in my chest and I don't know what to do. But I am glad your able to get it under control.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was planning my wedding I started having them and actually called off the wedding. It was a very dark time and everyone I loved turned their back because they thought I was using it as an excuse. You are right no one understands until they have been there. Stay strong and thank you for Sharing your story
ReplyDeleteAH! That is so scary!!!! I am glad you are starting to feel better!
ReplyDeleteI am about to be left for more than a month. I still have no friends here, besides Hubbys guys. Family is too far away for if I had an emergency. I'm starting to freak out about it. But I know I can get through this lil hiccup! Hopefully!
xoxoxo
I've had one panic attack, and I did not like it. Luckily it has not happened again, to me. BUT, my BF has them on occasion and I hate it when he does because I feel like there is nothing I can do to help. It takes guts to post about it, but maybe it will help in some way. Keep up the good fight!
ReplyDeleteI have had this reoccurring dream about my teeth falling out. Apparently, its my conscious labeled with anxiety. I had panic attacks in my twenties and learned the hard way to say F it. Once I figured out that the little things don't matter they went away and once again I am faced with anxiety of possible change. I realized just this week that its inevitable and hopefully it will all be alright and hopefully in my sleep my teeth will grow back. Chin up!
ReplyDeleteI was diagnosed with GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) a few years ago and it was really hard for me to handle at first. I'm really similar to you in that I'm laid back and let things just blow past me so it seemed so hard to accept that I needed anxiety medication. I've stopped taking the medication now, but still have to work at "being normal" and curbing my anxiety through relaxation techniques.
ReplyDeleteIt's nice knowing I'm not alone. :)
I love Natalie Dee illustrations!!! I have never struggled with anxiety, but I hope that it is something you're just temporarily struggling with. Know that many, many people deal with it and there is so much support out there. Just reading the other comments, you aren't alone! I just randomly found you and I am now following... hi, I'm Lauren. I traveled to Berlin, Freiburg, and Munich last year. I liked Germany overall even more than Italy! :)
ReplyDeleteI love you sugar plum :) Look how many people you are touching just by sharing this part of your life! xoxo
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honesty.
ReplyDeleteOh girl, you are not alone! My husband and I both have anxiety. It's not in your head, and it's NOT something you can control and just get over. I was so scared the first time I had a panic attack. Thankfully I'm not on medicine for my anxiety, but sometimes I probably should be. My anxiety has slowly been getting worse over the past year. A few weeks ago I had two major panic attacks in one evening. I was so worn out from them I couldn't get out of bed for nearly two days.
ReplyDeleteI hope the medicine helps! I would die without caffeine, but it's so much better than a panic attack!
You go girl! This is such a strong post and i salute you for writing it. Keep your head up and I'm glad you are finally feeling better.
ReplyDeleteGirl you are not crazy! You'd be surprise how many people feel the same way! So inspiring that you wrote this post. Takes courage!
ReplyDeleteI don't drink, but giving up the caffeine would be hard!! You are a strong woman for sharing this so that others can relate, so now the meds will make you feel strong :) Feel better!
ReplyDeleteI have anxiety as well. In addition to the panic attacks, I also will break out in big red hives. It's awful! I'm glad you've found pills that help you!
ReplyDeleteWow I have not experienced an anxiety attack before, but truly believe it is a condition that people need help to control. Its not a joke at all. Thanks for sharing your experience.
ReplyDeleteI feel for you sister! I had my first panic attack in April and since then its been a long, hard road. We also live overseas, so I totally understand how crazy it is being in another country and trying to explain how you are feeling. Chinese doctors also don't believe in anxiety disorders. So finally this summer, after 4 months of having anxiety and chest pains every.single.day, we moved cities and now I have an American doctor and have started taking anxiety meds. I was also so encouraged by reading Erin's post about anxiety and yours, as well. It's nice to read about someone who is experiencing the same thing, with a face. (compared to med forums). I have yet to share this whole anxiety experience via our blog. Its taken me so long to accept it's anxiety and not some rare heart condition. :( blah. Do you have a counselor available to you? I found an American counselor here, and she's been so helpful to me, to process through how I've operated in life and how it's added to my anxiety. So now I am trying to change some of those patterns I've always acted out of, and trying to find time to have intentional rest each day. It's a journey! Anyways, thank you for sharing! So glad that the medicine is working for you! Much love!
ReplyDeleteCompletely understandable. When my Husband and I were on active duty orders, I felt so alone most of the time. I started taking up every hobby known to man and sometimes would feel completely depressed not having anything familiar around me. I hope it's gotten better for you now that your Husband isn't on that shift anymore!
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